Everybody, who has known me for the last four years at least, knows that JAPO is the love of my life. I have given him everything I can and could have; and loved him the best way I know how. Even if I get hit by a sledgehammer in the head and forget everything, I will remember JAPO. That’s how certain I am about how I feel for him, I swear.

BUT.

There are times when I can’t help but wonder how and why we’re still together… especially when nights like tonight happen. Yes, being together for this long has its usual perks like being able to talk about problems instead of the “tried and tested” yelling-slash-bawling matches young couples usually have. But it doesn’t feel any better really, when I know that after all this time, I’m still lacking in so many ways.

Now being the conceited brat that I am, I do know that I am a smart and attractive individual. At least IQ tests and manong guards seem to think so. But being with JAPO, I have realized so many “destructive” things about myself that it makes me think why someone like him, who is such a well-rounded person, chose to stick it out with me.

I am torn between thinking that (a) he is a masochist; and (b) I am a masochist.

The idea could have been sexy… but with the state of mind that I am in right now, it’s just not. How can feeling that you’re always wrong be sexy?! I feed on affirmations. Give me negative feedback and you can expect to spend the next couple of minutes watching me implode.

I have nothing against JAPO. This is a common misunderstanding between us. But he really does make me feel, never on purpose I believe, that whenever we argue, I am wrong most of the time. Whether it be what I said, the way I tried to reason out, or the sudden change of the shape of my lips or the look in my eyes,  just the very fact that I reacted – it always leads to the conclusion that I misunderstood whatever it was he was saying. I was… I am wrong. And what sucks is that I KNOW that I am wrong.

And even if I am trying my best in this relationship, I still slip from time to time. I can make sure that he eats when he gets hungry, have as many hours of sleep possible, and that he doesn’t miss his favorite shows on TV, among others. Still… STILL, in a few days/weeks/months there will be something that I will do or say that will disappoint the both of us.

I can’t seem to help it. Maybe I’m an android with a self-destruct device microchip thingy somewhere in my brain. I hate it. I hate it that I, or someone or something in me, am my own enemy. “I always win” is a personal mantra. So how do I convince myself that I can win over me?!

Sigh.