i was going to write about Angelina Jolie. japo and i had another argument about her.. it really pisses me off whenever he talks about her! and of course, i thought i can sharpen my online pen around the topic.

but at the very last minute, something else happened. and it left me with a not-so-good feeling. another one has moved on. moved back. i don’t know. WHY does that person affect me in such a different way than the others can?

maybe because i wanted to believe the things he said… and even though i didn’t – couldn’t – be any more than who i was at the time, he made me feel that i can. and now that he’s gone, i’m left to figure out whether there was any truth and possibility of the good things about myself that i desperately want to have. to be.

my ego is hungry for affirmations… from him. cos in a weird way, it’s easy for me to believe whatever he says. it just is.

and now that he acts like i barely exist, one of my personalities is telling me that maybe i AM barely existing. before, everyone else was telling me that i’m going to mess him up. they are all so wrong. i hate it.

and now i realize that we can never be friends again. i don’t want to. it’s too hard. maybe this is what he wanted all along anyway. my non-existence will probably make him happy. and since i want to make people happy, i’ll give him this. even if i feel sucky about it.

just a little bump in the road. a dead flower in my garden. *deep breath*

i was never and never will be good at this. but when i wake up tomorrow to breakfast with japo, and possibly argue about the Jolie-Pitts, everything will be okay again.

i will never let go of anyone who wouldn’t let go of me as well.