i was in the shower a few hours ago and suddenly thought about love. about how one can say that he is in love. or not. whether it’s just infatuation. maybe lust. or something else.

japo makes me happy in a lot of ways. but it’s not the things he do that make me love him. other guys could have done or given more than he can, but i don’t think i will love anyone else the same way i love japo. i just know. and yet, i can’t give a reason why… i just do.

it gives me a headache trying to figure out why he loves me too. is it because i take care of him? because we are passionate for the same things? because of the sex? because of how much we have in common? because i was the one present when he was ready to settle down? because he couldn’t get rid of me, even when he kinda wanted to? i don’t think i’ll ever know. whenever i ask him, he can’t give me a clear answer as well.

and then there’s that feeling and idea i always have about “ex-people” (e.g. the ex-boyfriend and other guys who i had sort of relationships with)… did they ever really “love” me? how can they be sure? if i ask them now, can they give me an answer and enlighten me?

i honestly do not think so. it makes me a little sad, actually. just because i’m not sure if anyone really felt something deeper than wanting to kiss me or having a fascination with the way i think.

but who am i to say that? i can’t even explain why i love the man i’m going to marry in the first place. *shrugs*