ON CRUSHING. =)

As I have said over and over again, JAPO is, and always will be, my biggest crush. And there’s noone else I love more than him. =)

BUT.

I have several “minor” crushes also. =p And I don’t really think that there’s anything wrong with that. And JAPO doesn’t seem to think that there’s anything wrong with it too, fortunately. Haha.

I have a problem with “crushing”, though. I turn back into my highschool self whenever I am in any sort of contact with the person/s. I can’t seem to know what to say. And my smile is weird. And my voice gets really high-pitched. And I fidget a lot, OR I don’t move at all! Tsk.

Now just to make it clear, crushes are people that have those effects on me, ok? JAPO being the exemption, of course. Guys who I just wanna flirt with – different story. Haha.

So you see, crushes are bad for me. Butterflies in my stomach make me want to puke.

I have yet to master the art of “de-crushing”. So far, the only method that seemED to work is to demote the crush to a kissee. ‘Cos once the crush has been “marked”, it loses the novelty.

Problem is, I can’t go around kissing guys anymore. Any suggestions to help me “de-crush”?

ON WHERE I WANT TO BE.

Last year, I was where I was, only for the fact that it was the place that I wanted to be then. It was fun, dynamic, exciting… and it gave me a smooth transition from the life I had in LB to the new one I’ll be having in Makati.

I did enjoy most of it, even though I didn’t know where I was going. I wanted to be something, but never felt enough passion to go for it. Something didn’t feel right. Everything took too much effort from me and I know it wasn’t normal.

Because anything that I put my mind and heart into, I get. I accomplish. I have.

On my first week here in my “new place,” I have seen the flaws in the system.. dealt with personalities that clash with mine.. returned fake smiles.. cringed at pick-up lines.. argued about borrowing the single hot pack in the clinic – and I’ve never felt more comfortable, career-wise. =) My first trainer asked me on the second day what I wanted to be in the next 2 years, and without hesitation I gave him the answer. Even I was surprised. Saying it out loud, in front of 20 strangers, I realized that that was it. This is where it’s going to happen.

Of course, I had my pessimist moments, but at those times, trainers remind me (somewhat, somehow) that I can do it. That they will help me do it. And I believe them. It’s just so easy. Not that it’s not going to be difficult, but everything’s just so clear. I put in the work needed from me, and I just know everything will fall neatly into place.

6 months is a short-term goal. =)

ON BEING ENGAGED. =)

Since October 2003, JAPO and I have been together. Like most, if not all, relationships, ours is far from perfect. There were petty and major fights, break-ups and making ups, days of bliss and nights in hell. Saying that it was a roller-coaster ride won’t even be fair. It was that and Rio Grande, Flying Fiesta and Anchors Away at the least. And if me and JAPO being together was a typhoon, “ambon lang si Milenyo at Rosing”.

But in all fairness to me and the rest of my personalities, I was dead certain that I want to marry him early in our third year of being boyfriend-girlfriend. I just didn’t want to admit it because that’s like saying I was totally in love with someone other than myself.

Then one day, I just woke up and everything was about him. I didn’t care what other people thought – I didn’t even care what I thought. In a weird way, making my life all about him made me the happiest bitch in the world.

And every single day, I wished and hoped that I make him even half as happy as I am because of him. There was a constant feeling of dread that I won’t measure up. I was forever paranoid about waking up without him.

Until our 4th anniversary, that is. =)

I was in total shock. It’s a freaking blur, I swear. The waiter taking our picture. Him kneeling on one knee. The most beautiful ring ever. Me crying. And laughing too. It was unbelievable.

Unbelievable because I never thought that he would propose. For the past year, getting married has become an understatement. A proposal, I thought, was just going to be a formality of some sort. I mean, I secretly wished for it like any person with the XY chromosomes, but I didn’t think our relationship needed one. As long as he marries me, proposal or no proposal, I would have been fine with it.

So the proposal was BIG. For me and, I’m sure, for him as well. Might be bigger for him, actually. =) Hihi.

I have this to say to every boyfriend out there. If you want your girlfriend to have peace of mind, propose. It works wonders. Haha!

Seriously, I didn’t expect that being engaged will bring something different into the relationship. But it does. Even if we were acting like we were already married before the engagement, being “technically” engaged makes things so much – erm – easier, I guess. It made things a lot less complicated.

Now I know that a diamond ring does not guarantee that nothing will go wrong ’til the wedding day itself, no matter how pretty and precious it is. BUT it does take away a lot of negative feelings and hangups and what-have-me’s. Let me put it this way, whenever I see it, which is very often, it reminds me of how much JAPO loves me enough to do something that he knows would make me very, very happy and secure.

Also, I am so touched with all the messages I have received from friends when they heard the news. So to all of you, Thank you very much. We can’t invite you all to the wedding, as we want it to be an intimate ceremony, but we’ll send out word for the post-wedding parties. =) And no, we’re not pregnant. Tsk.

ON WAR WITH SELF.

Everybody, who has known me for the last four years at least, knows that JAPO is the love of my life. I have given him everything I can and could have; and loved him the best way I know how. Even if I get hit by a sledgehammer in the head and forget everything, I will remember JAPO. That’s how certain I am about how I feel for him, I swear.

BUT.

There are times when I can’t help but wonder how and why we’re still together… especially when nights like tonight happen. Yes, being together for this long has its usual perks like being able to talk about problems instead of the “tried and tested” yelling-slash-bawling matches young couples usually have. But it doesn’t feel any better really, when I know that after all this time, I’m still lacking in so many ways.

Now being the conceited brat that I am, I do know that I am a smart and attractive individual. At least IQ tests and manong guards seem to think so. But being with JAPO, I have realized so many “destructive” things about myself that it makes me think why someone like him, who is such a well-rounded person, chose to stick it out with me.

I am torn between thinking that (a) he is a masochist; and (b) I am a masochist.

The idea could have been sexy… but with the state of mind that I am in right now, it’s just not. How can feeling that you’re always wrong be sexy?! I feed on affirmations. Give me negative feedback and you can expect to spend the next couple of minutes watching me implode.

I have nothing against JAPO. This is a common misunderstanding between us. But he really does make me feel, never on purpose I believe, that whenever we argue, I am wrong most of the time. Whether it be what I said, the way I tried to reason out, or the sudden change of the shape of my lips or the look in my eyes,  just the very fact that I reacted – it always leads to the conclusion that I misunderstood whatever it was he was saying. I was… I am wrong. And what sucks is that I KNOW that I am wrong.

And even if I am trying my best in this relationship, I still slip from time to time. I can make sure that he eats when he gets hungry, have as many hours of sleep possible, and that he doesn’t miss his favorite shows on TV, among others. Still… STILL, in a few days/weeks/months there will be something that I will do or say that will disappoint the both of us.

I can’t seem to help it. Maybe I’m an android with a self-destruct device microchip thingy somewhere in my brain. I hate it. I hate it that I, or someone or something in me, am my own enemy. “I always win” is a personal mantra. So how do I convince myself that I can win over me?!

Sigh.

ON LETTING GO.

i was going to write about Angelina Jolie. japo and i had another argument about her.. it really pisses me off whenever he talks about her! and of course, i thought i can sharpen my online pen around the topic.

but at the very last minute, something else happened. and it left me with a not-so-good feeling. another one has moved on. moved back. i don’t know. WHY does that person affect me in such a different way than the others can?

maybe because i wanted to believe the things he said… and even though i didn’t – couldn’t – be any more than who i was at the time, he made me feel that i can. and now that he’s gone, i’m left to figure out whether there was any truth and possibility of the good things about myself that i desperately want to have. to be.

my ego is hungry for affirmations… from him. cos in a weird way, it’s easy for me to believe whatever he says. it just is.

and now that he acts like i barely exist, one of my personalities is telling me that maybe i AM barely existing. before, everyone else was telling me that i’m going to mess him up. they are all so wrong. i hate it.

and now i realize that we can never be friends again. i don’t want to. it’s too hard. maybe this is what he wanted all along anyway. my non-existence will probably make him happy. and since i want to make people happy, i’ll give him this. even if i feel sucky about it.

just a little bump in the road. a dead flower in my garden. *deep breath*

i was never and never will be good at this. but when i wake up tomorrow to breakfast with japo, and possibly argue about the Jolie-Pitts, everything will be okay again.

i will never let go of anyone who wouldn’t let go of me as well.

ON WHO KNOWS WHO BEST.

japo and i were watching the news earlier and ex-COMELEC Chairman B. Abalos had a press conference, announcing his resignation. his wife and children, together with his staff, were all there. his wife told the reporters that they, his family, knew Abalos more than anyone else.. and that he would never do the “bad things” connecting him to the NBN deal. all bullcrap, i think.. but what got me all worked up was what Abalos’ wife said.

i just do not and cannot agree that one’s family knows a person best.

they would want the best for you and support you all the way, BUT they only know the you that they want to think you are. the unconditional love that comes with being family is a handicap in knowing someone very well. you can wreck the neighbor’s car in one of your “dark moments”, and your parents would try their best to make it seem that the car got in your way. everything is justified. everything can be forgiven.

some of my friends know me better than my parents. japo knows me better than my sister does. but then japo is almost family and he is also lenient, to some extent, with some of my short-comings.

my point is that noone can really say or claim that the way they know a certain person is that certain person’s true self. it is because ALL of the people who were, in one way or another, in that person’s life knows only a part of him. some know more parts than others.. but never the whole package.

ON LOVE, IN GENERAL.

i was in the shower a few hours ago and suddenly thought about love. about how one can say that he is in love. or not. whether it’s just infatuation. maybe lust. or something else.

japo makes me happy in a lot of ways. but it’s not the things he do that make me love him. other guys could have done or given more than he can, but i don’t think i will love anyone else the same way i love japo. i just know. and yet, i can’t give a reason why… i just do.

it gives me a headache trying to figure out why he loves me too. is it because i take care of him? because we are passionate for the same things? because of the sex? because of how much we have in common? because i was the one present when he was ready to settle down? because he couldn’t get rid of me, even when he kinda wanted to? i don’t think i’ll ever know. whenever i ask him, he can’t give me a clear answer as well.

and then there’s that feeling and idea i always have about “ex-people” (e.g. the ex-boyfriend and other guys who i had sort of relationships with)… did they ever really “love” me? how can they be sure? if i ask them now, can they give me an answer and enlighten me?

i honestly do not think so. it makes me a little sad, actually. just because i’m not sure if anyone really felt something deeper than wanting to kiss me or having a fascination with the way i think.

but who am i to say that? i can’t even explain why i love the man i’m going to marry in the first place. *shrugs*

ON NOT POSTING FOR MONTHS.

if Friendster’s Bulletin Board didn’t mess up, i wouldn’t have gone to gracelle’s blog, clicked the link named after me and be reminded that i have a WordPress blog. gahd. last entry was March?! this is such a pretty blog pa naman. i officially declare that this blog is back from the dead. =) hihi.

 the absence is mainly because of my yUPieLBi family getting the Multiply bug. i “blogged” there, thinking that it will be more convenient for readers since they will have access to my fabulous pics too.. so that was what i used for some time. less than 5 entries, no biggie.

 but looking at this blog, it’s so much more, what’s the word, journal-ish. =) i like to write here more than i want to write in Multiply.

 so here i am. weee! will now invade friends’ chatboxes to make their day by telling them the good news. hahaha!!!

ON RACHEL AND ANGELINA.

i love my hair today. =) had a deep shampoo treatment earlier and a mani-pedi. love love LOVE getting pampered like that. *happy sigh* and japo was there with me at the salon – smirking the whole time. hahahahaha!

anyway, we watched the last “batch” of Friends.. finally finished the 10 seasons. *happier sigh* =D now we can start on Grey’s Anatomy maybe.. or Prison Break. hmmmm… or Sailor Moon. =p

well, back to Friends. whenever Rachel has a kissing scene with whoever, japo comments that “hay nako, lahat na lang chinorba nyang babaeng yan.” like it’s so wrong. and i react violently. but not violently enough that i seem defensive. because i’m not. haha! =p no, seriously, i’m not.

and all i really have to say about it is that i understand Rachel. i can totally relate with how it feels to want to kiss someone and know that you can. and i do not think that THAT is such a bad thing.

which reminds me of Angelina (not just because of the Jolie-Aniston feud, ok?) and the “haters” who attack her saying that she stole Brad Pitt from his wife.. i am a big Jolie fan. and i adore her so much. i almost flared up at japo when he expressed his opinion about the whole Jolie-Pitt thing.

it’s just that i do not see what she did wrong. a guy pursues her and she likes him back. i do not understand why so many people “hate” what she did.. angie and brad with all their kids look so happy, how can anything be wrong with that?

i am never a big fan of society and “the norm”. all of us have our own beliefs and goals in life.. and no matter how twisted it may seem, as long as a person found what it is he always wanted and needed to make him happy, i believe that is worth celebrating. not everyone of us is so lucky. so why condemn the few who are?

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wrote this 01Feb.. i don’t remember why i didn’t post it at the time. hmmmm….

ON DAYS WITHOUT JAPO.

i woke up alone in the condo today.. japo went home to elbi to take care of some stuff. monette and grace were out too. so i was there – alone. with 1 missed call and 3 messages waiting on my mobile.

anyway..i turned the TV on and washed the dishes while MTV blasts in the background. i had a 2-hour shower and watched TV some more before finally deciding to go downstairs and update my blog. and try to catch up with the Friendster survey count, maybe. =p

it’s a bit different without japo. i have so much time to spend on me. and there is so much i want to do, and i end up doing nothing. so my new game plan is to keep it simple: pick one thing to do and stick with it. and today, i decide to blog. hahaha!

 but then i have absolutely nothing to blog about. tsk.

or maybe too many things to blog about.

japo still has not replied to my “just woke up” message.. i wonder where he is and what he’s doing. we did not even talk about when he’s going to return here in Makati. and i’m sure i’ll have to be home in Nagcarlan on Friday.

i’ll just keep telling myself that it is a good thing.. we need time apart so that we’ll miss each other.

*sighs then pouts then sighs again*